The Difficult Stuff

A Little Bit of Love and Kindness…

October 2, 2017 Finding The Good The Difficult Stuff Unexpected Art

My blog has fallen by the wayside over the last few months for a variety of reasons but, after the tragic events in Las Vegas last night, I felt the need to share a bit of love and unexpected art with those who read this blog.  My heart is again breaking at the pain in this world and my thoughts are with all of those directly and indirectly affected by these events…

Earlier this school year, my DD#2 and I noticed this unusual little heart on the side stairway leading to the front door of her school, It wasn’t damp as if created with water. In fact, it stayed visible for a few days before disappearing.  I imagine it was painted on with some sort of semi-permanent substance before the elements washed it away.  I choose to see it as a symbol of love in this world.  Our world certainly needs as much love as we can find.
A Heart on the StairsMy husband and DD#2 made a quick trip to the grocery store yesterday evening and when they returned my husband reported that DD#2 left a small stack of pennies on the coin box for the mechanical horse. While my husband praised her for her actions and mentioned good karma, our daughter explained that she’d done it to see other people happy — as a little boy climbed onto the horse and used one of the pennies for a ride, smiling with joy.

Why not follow my daughter’s lead and do a small act of kindness to give someone else a smile today?  The world is heavy from yet another national tragedy and we all need a little pick me up. While it won’t fix our complex societal problems, a bit of love couldn’t hurt in healing some of that pain.

“A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions,
and the roots spring up and make new trees.” – Amelia Earhart

Six Years After Adoption Day

June 13, 2017 Finding The Good Simple Blessings The Difficult Stuff

So, six years ago today, this happened:

Our Family's Adoption Day

Our Family Adoption Day (with edits in Fotor & PhotoMania, just because I wanted to be a little creative)

My husband and I officially adopted our three daughters (then ages 5, 4, and a month shy of 3) from our local county foster care system on June 13, 2011. While we spoke to the judge and agreed that these three little pixies would be our legal children and would be granted all the rights of any biological child, our oldest daughter beamed and our younger two ran around the courtroom in wild abandon. We were already a family at this point. The girls had been in our home for nearly 9 months. They were already our daughters and they happily (usually) called us Mommy & Daddy. This image marks the moment permanency was granted.

People often say that our girls are “lucky to have [us]” but that’s an unfair statement. In an ideal world, every child would remain with their first family – loved, safe, and with their biological identity intact. But we do not live in an ideal world and our girls are affected by this reality in a myriad of ways. This is not “lucky”. It’s the messiness of life. My husband and I chose to create a family through adoption and our daughters needed a soft place to land after a traumatic loss. As a family, we learn from each other and grow together. While my husband and I help our daughters navigate growing up, they help us discover so much about ourselves as we grow in our roles as Mom and Dad. The last six years have NOT been easy. There have been a lot of tears, temper tantrums, and unexpected triggers…and not just from the girls! There are times that I’m not sure how I’ll make it through the next year, the next month, the next week, day, hour, sometimes even the next minute. Most of the time, however, the good outweighs the bad and we are treated to fun, giggles, hugs, and love from our daughters. We are family.

If you are inspired by our family, don’t tell me how “lucky” the girls are to have us. Be introspective and use that inspiration to figure out how YOU can make a difference. Some ideas include:

  • Consider becoming a foster parent. Provide a soft spot for a kid in crisis to land. Be open to the reality that, whenever possible, a child’s biological family is the ideal place for him or her to grow up. Be kind and supportive. Be strong, even when your heart is breaking.
  • Open your home and your heart to one (or more) of the more than 100,000 foster kids legally free for adoption and in need of a loving, supportive family.  Web sites such as AdoptUSKids, the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, and the Adoption Exchange are good places to learn and start the process.
  • Volunteer to become a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) or seek out other ways to help foster and adopted youth. Support organizations that help adoptive families succeed.
  •  Help first families grow stronger!  Create community, lend a hand, and support organizations that assist people in developing self-sufficiency and fight against the root causes of poverty, homelessness, and addiction.
  • Learn about trauma and how it affects the way children learn and grow. Reframe your attitude toward bad behaviors and addictions. Consider how you can help those who have been hurt.

What will YOU do to make the world a better place?

I am looking for the holes, the holes in your jeans because I want to know:
are they worn out in the seat or are they worn out in the knees?
– Ani DiFranco, “Looking for the Holes”

 

Legacy of the “Mean Girls”

May 24, 2017 Musings The Difficult Stuff

Creative Expression showing a Girl AloneWith my own daughters in and on the brink of those troublesome tween years, the reality of relational aggression or emotional bullying has really hit home. Sadly, the way girls treat each other now seems no better than it was when I was a child of the ’80s.  My oldest has been ignored by classmates she previously called friends, struggled with how to respond to the mean comments of fellow classmates toward other girls, and felt the sting of being excluded from the group. She’s also retaliated with angry lies and malicious gossip and I suspect there has been other ugly behavior than she is unwilling to share with me. A strong-willed and sometimes hot-headed girl, my second daughter has also had more than her share of friendship battles. It disheartens me that they have to deal with some of the same strife I experienced as a child.

I was a shy and awkward child and, while I thankfully grew up in a loving, supportive family, my relationships with peers (especially in those late elementary and middle school years) was not great. While not the primary target of bullying, I certainly wasn’t part of the popular crowd and dealt with more than my fair share of taunting. But what hurt the most was hearing my own group of friends laughing behind my back during a sleepover when they thought I was asleep.  I learned then and there that friends, especially other girls. were not to be trusted. This type of “mean girl” behavior can have lasting effects. tt certainly did for me. Developing friendships, already a bit tough due to my introverted nature, became even more difficult for me. I learned to censor my speech and actions for fear of saying or doing the “wrong thing”. My vigilance has mellowed as I’ve grown older and become more comfortable in my own skin, but I still fully trust very few people.  And to this day, I occasionally fight that twinge of anxiety wondering if trusted friends are being sincere in their interactions with me. This is the legacy of “mean girl” behavior.

So I urge all of my fellow parents, especially moms of daughters, to learn more about relational aggression and be aware of how it effects your daughter and her peers. Notice your own subtle (or not so subtle) interactions to other women in your life. Teach your daughter to be kind, have empathy for others, learn problem-solving skills, and to stand up for others.  These websites provide some excellent ideas:

Maybe our granddaughters will be less likely to feel the wrath of the “mean girls”.

I had to leave the house of fashion, go forth naked from its doors.
’cause women should be allies, not competitors.
– Ani DiFranco (Shroud)