With my own daughters in and on the brink of those troublesome tween years, the reality of relational aggression or emotional bullying has really hit home. Sadly, the way girls treat each other now seems no better than it was when I was a child of the ’80s. My oldest has been ignored by classmates she previously called friends, struggled with how to respond to the mean comments of fellow classmates toward other girls, and felt the sting of being excluded from the group. She’s also retaliated with angry lies and malicious gossip and I suspect there has been other ugly behavior than she is unwilling to share with me. A strong-willed and sometimes hot-headed girl, my second daughter has also had more than her share of friendship battles. It disheartens me that they have to deal with some of the same strife I experienced as a child.
I was a shy and awkward child and, while I thankfully grew up in a loving, supportive family, my relationships with peers (especially in those late elementary and middle school years) was not great. While not the primary target of bullying, I certainly wasn’t part of the popular crowd and dealt with more than my fair share of taunting. But what hurt the most was hearing my own group of friends laughing behind my back during a sleepover when they thought I was asleep. I learned then and there that friends, especially other girls. were not to be trusted. This type of “mean girl” behavior can have lasting effects. tt certainly did for me. Developing friendships, already a bit tough due to my introverted nature, became even more difficult for me. I learned to censor my speech and actions for fear of saying or doing the “wrong thing”. My vigilance has mellowed as I’ve grown older and become more comfortable in my own skin, but I still fully trust very few people. And to this day, I occasionally fight that twinge of anxiety wondering if trusted friends are being sincere in their interactions with me. This is the legacy of “mean girl” behavior.
So I urge all of my fellow parents, especially moms of daughters, to learn more about relational aggression and be aware of how it effects your daughter and her peers. Notice your own subtle (or not so subtle) interactions to other women in your life. Teach your daughter to be kind, have empathy for others, learn problem-solving skills, and to stand up for others. These websites provide some excellent ideas:
- 10 Ways to Prevent Relational Aggression in Girls
- Mean Girls- Realities of Relational Aggression (PDF)
- The Ophelia Project – Information for Parents
Maybe our granddaughters will be less likely to feel the wrath of the “mean girls”.
I had to leave the house of fashion, go forth naked from its doors.
’cause women should be allies, not competitors.
– Ani DiFranco (Shroud)
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