May 2017

Legacy of the “Mean Girls”

May 24, 2017 Musings The Difficult Stuff

Creative Expression showing a Girl AloneWith my own daughters in and on the brink of those troublesome tween years, the reality of relational aggression or emotional bullying has really hit home. Sadly, the way girls treat each other now seems no better than it was when I was a child of the ’80s.  My oldest has been ignored by classmates she previously called friends, struggled with how to respond to the mean comments of fellow classmates toward other girls, and felt the sting of being excluded from the group. She’s also retaliated with angry lies and malicious gossip and I suspect there has been other ugly behavior than she is unwilling to share with me. A strong-willed and sometimes hot-headed girl, my second daughter has also had more than her share of friendship battles. It disheartens me that they have to deal with some of the same strife I experienced as a child.

I was a shy and awkward child and, while I thankfully grew up in a loving, supportive family, my relationships with peers (especially in those late elementary and middle school years) was not great. While not the primary target of bullying, I certainly wasn’t part of the popular crowd and dealt with more than my fair share of taunting. But what hurt the most was hearing my own group of friends laughing behind my back during a sleepover when they thought I was asleep.  I learned then and there that friends, especially other girls. were not to be trusted. This type of “mean girl” behavior can have lasting effects. tt certainly did for me. Developing friendships, already a bit tough due to my introverted nature, became even more difficult for me. I learned to censor my speech and actions for fear of saying or doing the “wrong thing”. My vigilance has mellowed as I’ve grown older and become more comfortable in my own skin, but I still fully trust very few people.  And to this day, I occasionally fight that twinge of anxiety wondering if trusted friends are being sincere in their interactions with me. This is the legacy of “mean girl” behavior.

So I urge all of my fellow parents, especially moms of daughters, to learn more about relational aggression and be aware of how it effects your daughter and her peers. Notice your own subtle (or not so subtle) interactions to other women in your life. Teach your daughter to be kind, have empathy for others, learn problem-solving skills, and to stand up for others.  These websites provide some excellent ideas:

Maybe our granddaughters will be less likely to feel the wrath of the “mean girls”.

I had to leave the house of fashion, go forth naked from its doors.
’cause women should be allies, not competitors.
– Ani DiFranco (Shroud)

Let’s Talk About Suicide…

May 18, 2017 Musings The Difficult Stuff

I woke up this morning to the news that another voice of my youth, Chris Cornell, had been silenced. He was 52 years old with no apparent health problems and in the middle of a successful Soundgarden tour. He was to play a concert here in Denver next week. As the day progressed, it was revealed that his death was a suicide.

Sadly, like many others, suicide has touched my life several times. A high school friend killed himself the fall of our junior year. A fifteen-year-old runaway I met during my college years took his life not long after returning home. A vibrant young man who was a much-loved counselor for my daughters at adoption camp was found dead in a park, an apparent suicide. Most recently, my young neighbor committed suicide just before Christmas last year. Each of the needless deaths and many others have taken a piece of my heart with them.

We NEED to talk about suicide in our society. There is a definite stigma in our society surrounding suicide and mental health in general. Some of us can’t even speak the word.  We fear that talking about suicide will increase the chance that an individual will commit suicide. Research shows that this is not the case, and in fact talking about suicide decreases the risk. It is so important that the topic of suicide is brought out into the open and those who are battling suicidal thoughts know that they are NOT alone.

In conversations I’ve had through the years, I’ve met many people who’ve had suicidal thoughts or made suicide attempts. It is not an uncommon feeling.  I’ve battled suicidal thoughts in my own life and have distinct memories of sitting on the dirty kitchen floor in my cheap college apartment, heartbroken and staring at my wrist with a knife in my hand. Thankfully, I did not follow through with the attempt.  For me, the understanding of the pain my death would cause family and friends as well as a growing recognition that life is a constant cycle of good times and bad has been the key to living even on my darkest days.

I ask of each of you, be you a friend or simply someone who has stumbled on my blog, please take suicide seriously.  If you think someone is contemplating suicide, ask!  Listen with compassion and without judgment. Tell them how much you care about them and encourage them to seek help.  Give them hope and help them FIND help!  Suicide should not be a secret… If you are hurting or considering suicide, PLEASE REACH OUT! Even if you think you have no one, know that people care. I care. Your life is worth fighting for!  Someone is always listening…

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-TALK, suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Rising Above It All

May 13, 2017 Finding The Good

I came upon this Denver Post article about Gavin Arneson a senior at Clear Creek High School while browsing on Facebook this morning. Despite a difficult and chaotic childhood, not to mention the recent loss of his father, Gavin has conquered these multiple challenges with determination and resilience and the support of a caring community.  He graduates school valedictorian this spring, serves as president of Clear Creek’s student council and honor society, was awarded the National Honor Society’s annual $20,000 scholarship (the only one in the country) and has received a four-year, full tuition scholarship to study nursing at New York University.  He is an impressive young man.

I don’t know Gavin or the community members that stepped up to help him succeed, but I wanted to share my appreciation of this story.  Thank you all for providing a wonderful example of how spirit, love, and compassion can make this world a better place.  Kudos to you all!

Quote by Charles de Lint pm sunflower background